MATURING THE CHURCH'S CULTURE OF MALE SEXUALITY

By Zachary Wagner

Adapted from Non-Toxic Masculinity by Zachary Wagner. Copyright (c) 2023 by Zachary C. Wagner.  Non-Toxic Masculinity Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com 

During college, before we started dating, my wife Shelby once wore a sleeveless dress while volunteering as a worship vocalist in church. (If you're a woman who grew up in purity culture, you know where this is going.) One of the church elders expressed concern to the worship pastor that Shelby was "causing the men to stumble." The dress was neither low cut nor short; the issue was her exposed shoulders. Without speaking to Shelby, a woman in the church was asked to rush home and get a cardigan sweater for Shelby to wear during the second service. Before the service began, Shelby was ushered into a back room by this woman and two elders. The woman told her she was distracting men in the congregation and needed to wear the sweater for second service. Shelby was mortified. She began sobbing and the men awkwardly left the room while the woman stayed to help her regain her composure.

Shelby was never asked to serve on the worship team again. Despite having no ill intent, Shelby was made to feel she was the problem, and she was forced to accommodate to men's sexual perception of her.

DEHUMANIZATION AND ACCOMMODATION

Some men think they don't objectify women simply because they've shunned bikini posters, Game of Thrones, or porn magazines. However, the church elder who eyes women up and down to determine whether outfits are modest enough has also reduced those women to sexual objects. This isn't to suggest it's appropriate for women to dress provocatively at church, but if the men can't stand to see a bare shoulder or two on a hot summer day, the women are not the issue.

This is just one example in a broader culture of dehumanization. It is not as pronounced in every church or community, but in a post-#MeToo and -#ChurchToo world it is something every Christian man and leader should take seriously. Allegations of abuse and misconduct are often dismissed; women bringing accusations are seen as hysterical or jealous for influence; youth pastors are fired for sexual misconduct in one church only to be rehired by another; patriarchal systems of leadership and authority create abusive systems of power.

Many women understand these dynamics, but men are often less aware of it. The sad reality is that conservative Christian churches are one of the easiest places in American culture for a power-hungry and abusive man to mistreat women and children while commanding the respect of the broader community. We have made our churches comfortable for abusers. Shall our churches continue to be shelters for oppressors rather than the oppressed? May it never be! Our churches must become hostile to unrepentant abusers.

Christian men need to grow up­­––and I don't mean they simply need to be braver, bolder, take responsibility, lead their families, move out of their parents' basements, play less video games, or woo a woman and get married. Remember, marriage provides no guarantee that a man will become a sexually mature individual. I'm calling Christian men, single and married, to become more Christlike in the way we think about, treat, and live in relationships with women. We need to reframe and mature our vision of masculine sexuality in order to reform church culture.

CULTIVATING A CULTURE OF DIGNITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, AND FRIENDSHIP

We must replace dehumanizing teachings and practices with those that dignify women. This includes the way pastors speak from the pulpit, as well as the rules and advice presented on how men and women should interact. We must take seriously allegations of sexual abuse. We must heed the biblical call to elevate the plight of the oppressed, including abused and mistreated wives. We must remove the weight of shame from women who have been beaten, abused, or cheated on and place that shame where it belongs: on the men who harm these women.

Jesus said if a man looks lustfully at a woman, he has already committed adultery in his heart (Mt 5:28). He did not say, "Therefore, never look at women.” Nor did he say, "Women, make sure men don't look lustfully at you." The responsibility remains with men to look at women differently. We must remind men that all women are worthy of dignity and respect because they are human––not just because they are someone's daughter, wife, or mother. A woman isn't valuable only because of who she is in relationship to a man. Though it can be helpful to remind men they should treat all women like family, a woman is valuable ultimately because she is a human being created in the image of God.

Christians must also create layers of accountability where men answer to the church community and society at large for how they treat women. A powerful aspect of the #MeToo movement was the way many women demanded their abusers be held accountable. This impulse toward accountability is resonant with the Christian principles of justice and protection of the oppressed. But this need for accountability is often obscured because we've often misunderstood and misapplied the Christian call to forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean withholding punishment and shielding abusers from legal accountability. Nor does it mean that predatory youth leaders are allowed to stay in ministry, or that women should be encouraged to remain with their abusive husbands, or that children should continue to spend time with their pedophile fathers. We must take sin seriously. Too often, when we say we're forgiving someone, we're sweeping sin under the rug to preserve harmony, balance of power, and a façade of peace in the community. True redemptive forgiveness cannot function without proper systems of accountability.

A pastor who needs blocking software to not look at porn or needs the Billy Graham rule to avoid sexualizing interactions with women is, quite simply, not fit to be a pastor. God isn't paranoid or afraid of false accusations. God values the actual integrity of his leaders, not the mere appearance of integrity. If our hope is in God and not our institutions, we'll be able to face the communal and financial disruption that will come if we hold leaders accountable. Let's believe women when they say they have been sinned against. Let's include women in the process of disciplining church leaders. This is the good, just, and righteous thing to do.

Paul writes in Galatians 3:28, "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” This is not a denial of the existence of ethnic or gender categories, but an insistence that the social barriers separating us from one another have been transcended by our oneness in Christ. The second-class status afforded to women throughout the world and across history ought not be represented in Christian communities. In this sense, women’s liberation is not merely a secular feminist impulse; it is a Christian one.

Christian men should also relearn how to be in meaningful, nonsexual friendship with women. Many people have close opposite-sex friends during high school and college. However, this is sometimes less true for Christians, who are socialized from a young age to view the other sex as threatening. But when you choose to know sisters in Christ well, you humanize them. You understand their fears, desires, and passions. It becomes more difficult to reduce them to an object or view them as a threat to your purity. The hard social split between men and women does not serve our communities well. It does not form men to view women as friends and sisters, and it continues to fuel a narrative that men and women should be afraid of one another.

Grown men are responsible for their ongoing sexual immaturity. Think again to the example of Jesus. Did he avoid friendships with women? Did his ministry involve criticizing women's clothing or life decisions? Did he question the integrity of women or treat them like they were out to get him? Did he ever suggest that “loose” women were a plague to society? The path toward restoring the dignity of the men and women in our communities does not involve denying our sexual selves. Far from denying our humanity, we must grow up into it. Yes, we must act like men, but before we can do that, we first need to act like adults.

Remember, if you are in the Waco area, you can come hear my conversation with Zach at George W. Truett Theological Seminary one week from today.